the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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