The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
