3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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