; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
