The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize