I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
