i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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