So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
