my phone needs a breathalizer
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
