I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
