Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
