don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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