I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
