there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
