party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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