Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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