He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
