It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
