I wanna bring you to show and tell
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
