If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
