don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
