There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
