Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
