Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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