The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I want to fling myself into the sun
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
