dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
