If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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