I feel like I'm in dance class right now
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She said her name was "party"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
