i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
