On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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