just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize