but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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