I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
