When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
