My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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