wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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