did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
