i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I didn't notice because vodka
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
