Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have fence marks all over my body
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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