Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
