Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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