i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
