I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
