Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
