Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
