he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
