apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
