I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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