I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
