Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
