Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need moral support for this bender
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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