i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
His nipple licking is glorious
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