I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
