I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
