I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
